(This was a fun one for me to write. Just a total rant about how bad Fanueil sucks. It’s an argument I have just about every weekend so writing it was a breeze. I’ve softened up a bit on Fanueil Hall. Don’t get me wrong, I still think it’s a terrible waste of time and money, but occasionally I’ll let myself get dragged down there and I’ll have an okay time. Clarke’s is a pretty good spot. I’d go back there.)
Someone has to finally say it. Fanueil Hall sucks. I got talked into going down there last weekend even though I’ve never had a good time. But I stayed positive. Hey! It only takes one good night to turn it around right?
Wrong. Here’s everything that sucks about Fanueil Hall.
Every single bar in Fanueil has a cover. The Purple Shamrock used to have a banner that said “No Cover”, but they dropped that a couple months ago. I’m fine with a $5 cover. It’s five bucks, whatever. $10 and up is a whole ‘nother story. Let me get this straight: You want me to pay $10 to get in the door so you can root me up the ass by charging me 500% for a beer and then you expect me to tip your bartender so you can pay them less than minimum wage? Sign me the fuck up! Bar hopping down there is impossible because you end up dropping $40 on NOT beer. I’d rather just pound $3 beers on Boylston with no cover.
Masshole’s loose in the city!
Have you noticed you only go to Fanueil when somebody is in from out of town? It’s the only place that people from the sticks know about so they pour in by the hundreds at 830. And they all have decided that tonight is going to be FUCKING WILD AHHHHH! Just fired up individuals with a “my parents are out of town” mentality running wild in the big city looking for somebody to sucker punch.
(Take it easy Masshole’s. I love you guys and fanueil is really your territory. It’s like getting mad at a lion when you’re in the Serengeti.)
Every guy is wearing Ralph
“Wait we’re going into Boston tonight? Sweet. Lemme grab my Ralph button down. You wear that striped polo you picked up at TJ Max”. I don’t understand this.
Ah! The bro in me is weirdly attracted….
It’s not close.
The T closes at 12:50 because… does anyone know why the T closes at 12:50? So you have to take a cab back after you dropped over a hundred on cover charges and $6 bud lites. I’m not cheap, but that’s like a month worth of food for me.
Nobody actually knows how to spell it….
I didn’t know how to spell Fanueil until I googled it to write this. This inevitably leads to the text argument about the correct way to spell it. The best attempt I’ve seen had a “w” in it.
I’m begging you. Don’t ask me to go to there. You turn 21, you go a couple times and that’s it. I don’t care if your friend from high school is in town and Sissy K’s has $3 bud lites until they run out at quarter to seven. I know how this story ends.
It ends with me walking my sober ass 3 miles back to my apartment because all the cabs are full of the broads who tore their ACLs trying to look pretty in heels, and I’ve got a black eye because some creature from Lowell decided to sucker punch me because he didn’t like me saying “excuse me” so I could get by him to the bathroom. Now I can only afford store brand pasta and hunts tomato paste for the next month because I spent $150 on 6 beers. Fuck that.
P.S. There’s poor and then there’s “I use Hunt’s Tomato Sauce” poor. Shit costs like 50 cents for a dozen cans.